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Monday, January 30, 2012

Where I Am

I am in the midst of a slow-dawning epiphany. In considering what I need to flourish, I am running up against a deeply embedded way of being. And I am not sure exactly how I will undo it. Or move differently in the world.

Let me see if I can connect the dots. I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes more than 29 years ago. From the very start, I was taught (as all diabetics are) to test my blood sugar levels through out the day. With these numbers, I am then able to determine proper insulin dosage, food intake, exercise time etc. Simultaneously, I was taught about what would happen if I did not keep my blood sugar levels at a normal level: failed organs, blindness, nerve damage. For a 12 year old girl, very much hooked into good grades and performance, I very quickly came to view those blood sugar numbers as "good" or " bad" and my choices as "right" or "wrong." Now allow almost three decades to pass. And you can imagine how self worth and value might get caught up in that whirlwind.

Deep breath.

For the last few years I have been struggling under the weight of something. I have had some of those dreaded complications arise. And all those numbers, all those choices (whether they had anything to do with diabetes or not) seem to say only one HUGE thing: Angela, you have failed.

I know this may seem simplistic. But this is how it feels at my very core.

I am exhausted from all the choosing, trying, fighting. I want it to be over. The bell to go off, my time in the ring to be done. Maybe a warm, kind voice to say: You did good, Kid. Congratulations. You are cured.

Or at least award me a grand do over. Where I make enough right choices to outweigh the bad.

I am sure you are aghast at my wallowing(I know I am). I don't even know why I am telling you this. Maybe because I am desperately trying to face some truth and find some healing. Maybe because I haven't entirely given up hope.

Speaking With Yemaya

Sister, if you are caught between the devil and the deep blues, let go of your present thought patterns. Release your grip on what you've been taught is reality, and invoke for a breakthrough. You won't regret it. (Luisah Teish, Jambalaya)

11 comments:

  1. not aghast, amazed. amazed by you, and your sharing and your honesty and vulnerability and your light and your hope and your beauty. all of that. xoxo

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    1. Your comments always have a way of making me feel beautiful and safe in the midst of vulnerable rambling. THANK YOU, Indigo!

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  2. so not aghast
    totally feeling your struggle in this moment
    your feeling of being done with it all
    it makes sense

    one of my close friend's sons was diagnosed with type 1 when he was 18months old...he is now 17.
    She has shared with me many of the personal struggles they as a family have face and he as a child living with diabetes has faced...it is not always the gentlest of roads

    I honour your venting!
    Be kind to you
    Love and Light

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  3. Cat,
    Thank you for sharing about your friend and her son-
    It means a great deal for me to see your encouraging, light- filled comment here :)
    Blessings-
    Angela

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  4. nope, not aghast either.

    nodding my head, actually...totally getting it and marveling at your strength and your power and your beauty.

    you've walked a savage road, my love....and come out shining.

    holding space and love for you while you sink into and breathe the place where you are right now....

    xoxo

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    1. Thank you, Mel. You are one of those goddess women whose blog I go running to in the night when I am feeling lost. You always inspire me or make me laugh with your take on things.
      Wild Blessings-
      Angela

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  5. I don't know if this will make any sense ... but it has been dawning on me how I live life polarized ... as if there are these either/or options and it finally hit me that I can choose BOTH. There is this wonderful yoga teacher, Richard Miller, who teaches an amazing yoga nidra practice. It is all about understanding ourselves as Awareness knowingly knowing itself ... that who we are embraces all of these choices, states of being and consciousness ... that we are so much more than one singular thing/feeling/being. His program is called iRest and downloads of his cds are available on his website. I know I am called to return to this practice ... oddly enough (not really odd, must be Scorpio energy!) but I've been taking self portraits again and thinking some more about the separation I've experienced with my body ... like it is some device that has gone defective or has let me down ... when it IS me and at the same time an experience I move through but am not defined by.

    Okay, now I even confuse myself! Holding you in so much love ... may the unraveling continue until you see the clear path emerge before you ... as I know you will! Thank you for sharing your journey which sheds light on my own.

    xo Lis

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    1. It does make sense! Simple, yet, oh- so- mystery deep! I don't think I've ever approached my experience of diabetes as me AND as you say "an experience I move through but am not defined by." It has all gotten so very tangled. I will check out his site. Thank you, for always holding space for me when I need it, my Wise Scorpio sister!
      Namaste-
      Angela

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  6. It took me a long, long time (30 or so years) to come to my truth, which I still have to remember many times over, so don't for a moment think I've got it all figured out, but...they are numbers. They don't define you. They don't judge your value, your worth, or your performance as either a person with diabetes or as a person. Their measurement of sugar in your blood is not a measure of you. They can be helpful to you; they can work for you; they can be useful. They're data. They aren't you. I wish I could give you a hug IRL and tell your meter who's boss: You are. Hugs!!!

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    1. Thank you, Sarah! I know you understand :)
      Blessings-
      Angela

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  7. Dear Angela
    this post will be linked in to my Monday Offering post
    for you dear one, are one of my Brave Ones this week
    the Angel named Angela

    love and light

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