Let me see if I can connect the dots. I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes more than 29 years ago. From the very start, I was taught (as all diabetics are) to test my blood sugar levels through out the day. With these numbers, I am then able to determine proper insulin dosage, food intake, exercise time etc. Simultaneously, I was taught about what would happen if I did not keep my blood sugar levels at a normal level: failed organs, blindness, nerve damage. For a 12 year old girl, very much hooked into good grades and performance, I very quickly came to view those blood sugar numbers as "good" or " bad" and my choices as "right" or "wrong." Now allow almost three decades to pass. And you can imagine how self worth and value might get caught up in that whirlwind.
For the last few years I have been struggling under the weight of something. I have had some of those dreaded complications arise. And all those numbers, all those choices (whether they had anything to do with diabetes or not) seem to say only one HUGE thing: Angela, you have failed.
I know this may seem simplistic. But this is how it feels at my very core.
I am exhausted from all the choosing, trying, fighting. I want it to be over. The bell to go off, my time in the ring to be done. Maybe a warm, kind voice to say: You did good, Kid. Congratulations. You are cured.
Or at least award me a grand do over. Where I make enough right choices to outweigh the bad.
I am sure you are aghast at my wallowing(I know I am). I don't even know why I am telling you this. Maybe because I am desperately trying to face some truth and find some healing. Maybe because I haven't entirely given up hope.
|Speaking With Yemaya|
Sister, if you are caught between the devil and the deep blues, let go of your present thought patterns. Release your grip on what you've been taught is reality, and invoke for a breakthrough. You won't regret it. (Luisah Teish, Jambalaya)